hari ni bila bangun dari tidur, i betul2 teringatkan mimpi malam td. maybe itu petanda bhw hati i belum sepenuhnya di sini walaupon i dah cuba sedaya upaya untuk berfikir secara releven, dan berlagak seolah2 i sdg mengecapi segala kemahuan terpendam spjg hayat lah org kata.. tp mimpi return to ccsb, eventhough still contine fighting with others [eleh...biase lah tu, sape leh tahan sepanjang hayat berdiam diri klu duduk sana, ehe..jgn marah ye ex-mate] yet i was happy to be there again. i cheered up. walaupon mimpi tu pendek yg amat, tp i ingat dgn jelas perasaan i masa tu yg sumhow xpercaya i sanggup let go kje gov yg selama ni dicita2 camtu je, and let go bigger salary yg ccsb ked***t nk bg, semata2 nk kecapi 'keseronokan' dan 'kepuasan' dlm kerjaya. ah??? ape i merepek ni. xsangak i ckp cmni...xpernah skali2 dlm hidup ni i sangka yg ada jugak semangat cenggitu dlm diri berdarah muda ni [hah, poyo x?]. betulll...ni lah nk story sket..
by the time i tulis ni, sebulan ++ dah i kje sini. based to previous experience, dlm tempoh tu, org dh mula berkisah nk confirm kan i walaupon dlm offer letter ckp 3months probationary period. i bgtau ni bukan nk belagak ok, sila paham, tp i nk bgtau yg tempoh sebulan tu dah lebih dr cukup utk i adopt and adapt dr segala segi dan tunjukkan capability i yg sepatutnya. tp kat sini lain pulak ceritanya. haihhh....[belum cerita lg dah sigh, bygkanlah..] till this moment, i still xleh jadi diri i yg sebenar, since i ni klu dah adapt ngan satu2 atmosphere baru, i akan rasa loose sket, and then i akan berperangai mcm diri sendiri je, xperlu kekok lg. paham x maksudnye? bukannya kata i ni hipokrit belagak baik, bukan mcm tu lah.. cuma klu dah masuk rumah org, xkan lah korang akan pegi dapur n amik coklat dlm peti ais sesuka hati je makan smpai habis...betul x? so i belajar....keep learning till i stop and one red line, di mana i sedar semua org dah senior kaw2 kt sini, dah tau selok belok kerja, while me looks like budak freshie yg br first posting gov, know nothing abt her own job, and the youngest officer with big age different with others. i try to loose up bila makan semeja after meeting, try again bila selisih di kaki lima, yet i cant be myself. i am expecting them to help me loosing up, but the one and only person who does is my mate, a sc officer as well. i dont question fate, since maybe sbb die sebilik dgn i selama 8 jam setiap hr bekerja, jadi kitorg jadi close lbh senang dr org lain. and dari dia jugak i belajar utk terima hakikat sesuatu yg cuba i protes - relationship betn staffs. there goes the story..
issue relationship betn staffs ni sgt2 overwhelming diri i. semua staff nmpk kekok ngn i, yg smpai tahap i bersangka buruk yg dorg xsuka i. [i mmg lbh suka anggap cmtu so that i akn berusaha lebih lg utk buat dorg suka]. tp lama2 bila dh ok sket, i mula kenali sikap setiap sorg dgn cara 'menguping' dlm bhs jawa, tah la cane nk eja..haha, atau org melayu kite ckp 'pasang telinga' pd keriuhan di luar sana.. [luar bilik i ler]. br la i tau yg dorg bukanla seperti mana yg i bygkan or sgka buruk tu. sume org ok kt sini. funny, concern, everything that u need in a friend. tp apa yg frustrating sgt cuma satu, they show their original habits tp dgn i [and my mate] dorg x berkelakuan cmtu pon. benteng hormat timbul di situ padahal we both muda [in fact *sgt* jauh lbh muda] dr dorg. itu wat i x selesa. i cant make joke with them, cant share gossips, tell stories abt my family, and it's obviously not me!! even i pernah secara perbualan rahsia dgn sorg staff i, i said dont call me Puan. hey, it's too much of penghormatan utk sorg2 yg lebih tua dari abah kite pon pgl kte pggln tu. but i fail, die ckp dr kolej lagi dah diajar supaya pgl officer mcm tu. sigh. there comes the gap, u know. and i jz dont like it, really.. so guess sape yg kekok dlm situasi ni sbnrnya???
tp hr ni i berterus-terang dgn my mate tu, tntg semua ni. thanks to her who really good at comforting me. every word counts, i really appreciate it. die cakap, lebih bagus mcm tu, lbh bagus our staffs pay respect to us, bcoz we are their boss [hate to mention this]. since we're younger than 'em, we cant let 'em pijak kepala pulak bila rs hormat tu xpernah wujud. i rs mungkin utk long-term benefit, apa yg die ckp tu betul. so, i tau i bukan je kena belajar job scope, tp jugak kena belajar utk behave as an officer n terima je hakikat yg i was meant to do this..
so i guess i jz tired being an obviously young officer whom struggling to build a never-happen-nice-yet-no-such-way relationship bcoz she is so much overwhelmed by her previous working atmosphere. i need to let go ccsb. u guys are damn marvellous network i ever had, but due to low S-thingy, i choose not to return to u darls. i hv someone to take care and spend time with, i want to hv a baby, and i dream of having so much more great things in my life, and by going back to u, i know that satisfaction that i want in my career is waiting for me, unfortunately...there are always 'buts'. i wont be able to have stability in finance that i hv right now, since i live in small town, far from highway, no tolls, etc. i wont be able to hear hubby talks abt baby since we're in tight-budget before, but not anymore. that's make my job now fits me well. i love my life now and i thank God for what He changes my life into. therefore, i want u guys know that i still love u all eventhough i nvr show it. it's jz a matter of life cycle that makes me had to leave u. everyone will do the same thing for their own sake. believe me. maybe fate wants me to show up again one day by any reason, only God knows..so i leave Him do His job. but as for now, thanks for making space for me there once. love u all so much.
note: [i jz dont understand why i wrote in malay at first then mix,mix,mix till it slowly converted to english, hahaha.. maybe coz i felt like i was talking to u guys]
with love,
someone that nvr forget good memories there [and bad too..haha, kidding]
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